Hating a God
by emillywinter
Summary: For Shizuo Izaya's smell has always been special, but how much special Izaya finds out on his own. This is a story about characters points of view on the subject of love and hate told with mature content. Prequel of "Loving a Monster. COMPLETE


14

 **Hating a God**

 **Chapter 1**

 **Izaya**

In order to understand me, you need to realize that I am not an ordinary human, and I do not considerate my self as such. I am more than that, and that is the reason why these low creatures manage to amuse me. I have always loved them. I have **always** wanted to own them, to observe them, to manipulate them, to break them, and in return, I have **always** desired for them to love me the same way. I have dreamed to become their God. For me, this is the definition of pure love. So, if this is love, one need to ask them selves what is the meaning of the word "hate" to me.

The first time I felt such foul emotion was the first time when I met him. He didn't deserve anything more or anything less than it for hating me without knowing me. Nevertheless, I do not blame him for it, as he was not the first one to judge me; however, he was the first one whose words managed to hurt me, even if I would rather die than admit it. In order to grasp this fact, first you need to understand the way that I see the world. For me it is a beautiful place full of interesting humans who are meant to be ruled by Gods. All my "friends" are the same as me, more than humans; immortal fairy, underground doctor that certainly cannot be sorted into the human category, and one Shizu-chan. They are not ordinary; thus, I cannot feel the same emotion for them as I can for humans. The more extraordinary they are, the less I can love them.

I was thinking this for the thousandth time while I was walking through the familiar streets of Ikebukuro. I have always hated that I had to go there from Shinjuku, not for the fact that I was constantly missing it, but because **he** had a power to make me do things that I never wanted to do. Because of it, among other stuff, he **is** the most dangerous person alive; a treat to my existence. Hence, he had to die; and that is the reason why I do what I do. However, this too I don't gladly admit: I was never really trying with all my heart. Shizu-chan was simply too fun to play around with and I didn't want him to disappear just yet. And, as on queue, I saw him.

"Izaya-kan!" and in the next moment a metal, big thing is flying in my direction; _another trash can, how original_. "My, my, Shizu-chan, you can do so much better. You look like you stop trying, like you don't really want me gone from here..."

"Stop calling me that", his voice broke my babbling. He pulled a street sign as it was as light as a feather and started to chase after me. That was the time that I realized that I was running, as this thing became practically a reflexes, since I have done it a million times already.

After a few miles, I managed to loose him. I was standing on the edge of the rooftop of an old building when I heard steps. _Shit_. _Shit_. _Shit_. "How did you find me Shizu-chan?" I asked, not really caring for the answer but trying to buy some time in order for me to find a way to escape.

"You stink, flea." And that was another thing that I hate about him. First, I need to clearly note that he is a monster, thus, I understand the heighten sense of smell; but **stink**?! _Stink_. _For God's sake, I do not stink_.

 **Shizuo**

"You stink, flea." His stupid scant, I smelt it 3 blocks over. Honestly, I never said it out loud, and I would rather die than let him to know; it is the most appealing scant in the world. It is musky, with the little hint of wood, leather, and skin. It is full of pheromones. It makes me hard. It is his, and I hate it. That stupid scant is the reason that I fight with him.

First time when I met him, I didn't know anything about him with the exception of the smirk, the arrogance, and the scent. Just for the record, I don't have anything against gay people, but you need to understand me, I just don't swing that way. Mixing with adrenalin, his smile and his sent have made my heart beat faster than any girl managed. Before I even had the time to think it thru, I said that I hate him, and that was it. His and mine relationship ever since became described as hatred. Don't make me wrong, I didn't regret saying that thing, he is still a shitty person, but regardless of it, to this day on, his smell makes me hard.

With that in mind, I started to walk in his direction. If I can manage to push him of the building, to just kill him, I would stop being a monster and instead became a normal person. I would still have my strength but his fucking smell would disappear and with it those unwanted feelings for him. I have already tried to kill Izaya billion times over, but always in the last minute I comprehend that I was not able to cross that invisible line. Hence, he is still alive to torment me.

Nevertheless, I hoped that today was the day when my agony would be over. I was standing few inches away and he was so close that I could see the red in his eyes. I could feel his breath on my face and almost touch the softness of his hair. _Fuck_. I could smell him. His scent was stronger than ever. _Shit, I am so hard_. Just a little push and all of it would be over. _Fuck, I knew I couldn't do it_. His face was just too close and I would die if I didn't make it even closer. I felt the need to hold him, to have him, and it was stronger than ever. And then, I did the worst thing possible, I kissed him.

His lips were the softest thing that I ever felt. My tongue on them made me think of fucking rose petals, and for a moment I couldn't think about anything other than this softness that I was feeling. And, just like that the moment was over. At least one of us was truthful to the hatred. He shoved me back and looked in my eyes with confusion. His pupils were enormous and full of black and darkness. The next thing, he was jumping out of the building. I couldn't understand what I did or why I did it; but I still remember thinking, clearly as a day, that my kiss must have been terrible when the fucking flea decided to jump out of the rooftop because of it. _Shit_.

 **Chapter 2**

 **Izaya**

He was coming towards me. I needed to do something and to do it fast. I did not have anywhere to go. On all sides of the building were lower objects, and behind me was the road. I didn't have too many options. At that moment, he was in front of me; so close that I could feel the smell of cigarettes on him. I remember guessing that today was the day I would die. The only positive thing about it would be that it would ruin Shizu-chan's life. If I still, by any chance wasn't his God, then, by being killed with his two hands would certainly make me one. With that in mind, I didn't have the slightest desire to jump and to 99% die monster free death. It would be pointless. But, that was exactly the thing that I did.

Just under the second he was in front of me, with me ready to die. In the next moment, his lips were on mine, slowly moving, kissing me. I didn't remember closing my eyes and honestly, I didn't remember that I didn't. In that second all I could think of was that Shizuo somehow managed to break the rules and to "go there". One can say that it is just another unpredictable thing, and it is, don't get me wrong. I haven't in a million years expected Shizu-chan to do something this stupid. However, if you wanted the truth, every single thing that he does is unpredicted; thus, I should have predicted it.

My heart is beating with a speed of light. _I need to disappear. I need to think_. In that moment I was more than ready to face the 99% death without good point than to face him, and never to mention the fact that I... _Shit. Don't think about it; if you do not acknowledge it, it is not happening, it doesn't exist_. With one last look into his eyes I jumped. It wasn't hard, just one step behind, easier than many people think.

I must have been the luckiest man alive, or it was just the cosmic "fuck you" in my face. I didn't even get to die. Instead, I was left in shame, lying in the trash pile in the garbage truck that was passing through. I started to laugh. It is just the funniest thing in the world, the stupidest, and the most terrible one. If I didn't laugh, I was certain that I would explode into the million peaces. I truly couldn't stop.

When I finally stopped, I had tears in my eyes, and I was fighting to catch my breath. I was already away from Ikebukuro and near my apartment. I jumped, and than run as fast as I could. When I came home, I directly went to the bathroom, to take a shower. If I didn't "stink" before, I definitively stunk now.

The hot water was falling on my shoulders, in my hair, wetting it. I could feel the coldness of the tiles on my feet and on my hands. Than, I closed my eyes. I could remember his smell, the look in his eyes, his lips on mine, my heart beating faster, his tongue moving... _Shit, don't think about it_. My dick was getting hard. That was new. And the next thing I knew, I started to laugh again; if I didn't I am sure as hell that I would cry. Yet again, it was the only "fuck you" to the world that I was able to give. I took the towel from the shelf and started to dry myself. _I would be damned if I touch my self while thinking of him_. As if I would ever do such a vulgar thing. Gods do not masturbate, and thus, it is beneath me.

The best thing that I could do for me, as well as for him was to pretend that nothing happened. If I am lucky enough, he would do the same. It would be as this whole stupid thing never happened. I thought that just as always, I should honor the silent deal between us, do not kill for real, and do not "go there". He broke the latter and all I could do is try my best not to break the first part as a punishment for his stupidity. _Nothing happened, and if I think that long enough, maybe I would start believing in it._

 **Shizuo**

With him gone, I was left standing on the rooftop alone. His smell was still lingering in the air. At that moment, I felt like I was not myself. Losing control was not a new thing for me. With him around, I did it all the time. But, losing control like this, it was a first. I felt disgusted with my self. For years I managed to put a wall in my brain and not to give in to those feelings that I had from the moment that I first saw him. Those emotions, the attraction, it was something that was forbidden. It was a horrifying thing that made me stay up countless nights while simply truing to not to think about it, not to "give in".

Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks. _He knew. He fucking knew_. It would be impossible to hide hard on that many times. It would be unimaginable for the person who observed everything not to see this. _Shit_. _Why was he silent about it?_ It would give him a perfect opportunity to make fun of me. God only knows that he never missed a chance to laugh at me. It made me think of the unspoken rule of ours, not to kill. I knew that he could do it in a heartbeat. He knew I could beat him to death just as fast. I didn't have any doubts about it. Yet, he didn't do it, and I didn't do it, as well. Perhaps, it was the same with this. Perhaps, he was giving me a curtsy of pretending, a possibility to blame it all on the adrenaline. Nevertheless, Izaya was always smarter than me. I needed to believe that he would do the smart thing and ignore this whole thing. One can always hope. Right?

Not right. The next time I saw him, he had that arrogant smirk. It wasn't anything new, but seeing it made me realize that the barrier between us was broken and that we could never go back to what we were.

 **Chapter 3**

 **Izaya**

"Shizu-chan, long time no see", I said when I saw him next time, exactly 16 days after the "incident". Not that I counted. I tried not to go to the Ikebukuro for as long as I could, but business was business, and Shiki-san was never a patient type. _It was only the matter of time before Shizuo starts to chase me and the same amount of time for the things to go back as they were. Come on, Shizu-chan, don't be stupid. Come on, chase me. Threaten me, make me run_.

He was just standing there, looking at me. He hasn't said a single word. He just kept watching me with the look that was making my blood boil from anger. I couldn't not notice those rosy lips of his, those pinkish chicks, those widen eyes. _O, fuck Shizu-chan. You are supposed to pretend that nothing happened_. "You really are stupid, Shizu-chan."

"Shut up, flea." It was all that he managed to say before I had it enough. "You fucking protozoan, stop looking at me like that. Stop doing stupid, fucking stupid things. Stop fucking with me. Stop killing me with your fucking eyes. Just, fuck... can't you just pretend that nothing happened?" I succeeded in using the highest amount of "fuck" words humanly possible, at least for me. It only spoke about the fact that I lost control; something that I have never done before when I was not alone. I could feel my mask cracking. _Fuck, not in front of him_. _I need to stay strong in front of him, to stay God to him, not to brake like a lowly human_. He and I needed to stay equals, in order for life to make any sense.

However, when Shizuo was involved things that I wanted and the things that usually happened we two entirely different terms. Pointless to say, he has always destroyed all of my plans. In the years that I knew him, I almost never took the first punch. But, with my control lost, it was exactly the thing that I did at that moment. Not even with a knife, I attacked him with my own fists. I needed to break that expression on his face; I needed things to go back as they were.

He just stood there. My fists were not able to do a single thing on him; as expected from the monster. "Aaaaarrrrnnnnn... Fuck you Shizu-chan". It was all that I managed before I turned on my heel and started running. _Oh, now you chase me?! Really, Shizu-chan?!_

 **Shizuo**

The Flea was moving somewhere. I didn't want to loose him again. Never matter the fact that I didn't know what to say, or what to do, but him running again was pissing me off. "Izaya-kan!" I started to yell behind him. I followed him as he turned left. _I got you now, Flea. It is a fucking dead-end ally_.

The moment that I was in felt like it already happened. I was close to him again, and his scent filled all the air around me. I felt like I cannot breathe and even though one may call it a cliché, I got to believe that time stopped. Seconds, minutes, hours, I am still not sure how much time passed, as for me it became clear that it didn't really matter. The only thing important was the red in his eyes, his smile and the moving of his lungs. My mind was empty of all thoughts, and the only thing that mattered was him.

Before I realized what I was doing, I was kissing him again. His lips started to move slowly, as they are unsure. I felt his tongue move delicately, as asking for the permission. At that moment I would give him my soul if he asked for it. Nevertheless, I moved my hand near his mouth, and my fingers traced the redness of his chicks. Something pierced though me, some lingering felling that went arm in arm with my elevated heart beat. It felt like electricity, powerful and strong, and it stayed in my stomach for a long time.

I started to kiss him more passionately, more desperately. I didn't want to separate my self from his heat. I just wanted to become one with him; to feel him under my skin, and on it at the same time; to understand him, and to know every single thing about him. And even more sickening was that I wanted to own him, to posses him, to have him in every way possible. I wanted to be the only one that he will ever kiss, look, and think about. I bet this was how he fells for his humans. Never have I imagined that I would be jealous on the whole human race.

My control was so lost that I even didn't realize that it disappeared. My fingers were on him, moving as spiders under his blouse, trying to experience his skin. I wanted all of him as soon as possible. Than, I felt his hands on the edge of my pants, messing with my belt. It took me the second to understand that he felt the same burning desire to become one with me. It was terrifying, but if felt good. At that moment he was not Izaya – the God, and I was not Shizuo – the monster; we were just Izaya and Shizuo, two humans. It was the most precious feeling in the world, the mix of happiness, blind want, and belonging to someone, to somewhere.

 **Chapter 4**

 **Izaya**

I was lost under his touch. My mind together with my control decided to take a long vacation. He was there, kissing me again, and even as I promised my self long time ago never to indulge in such vulgar deeds, I just wanted to stop the internal battle with myself. The mask that was previously cracked was now already broken. All my thoughts have stopped and I just wanted to feel human touch against my skin. Even if don't like to admit it, Shizu-chan, monster as he is, was still the only one worthy of destroying me, of owning me.

His hand was on my cheek and I could feel the heat radiating from me. If I cared, I would said that it was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Luckily, all I could think of was his cigarette soaked breath on my lips, his tongue on mine, and the craving to never stop.

My desire to control the monster was constantly big. I always wanted to break him, to make him mine, and it only grow more violent with time. But while kissing him all I could think of was how I was glad that I never managed to possess him, as he was more than a thing, more than a toy. He is the only one who can contain me, have me as an equal. He is the only one that can fill the void and the emptiness that eternally resides inside me.

I wanted to have him as close to me as possible, to feed on his warmth, to help me feel whole. I started to unbuckle his belt. Even if my hands shacked terribly, I succeeded and dig my way into his heat. I put my hand around his dick and started to move slowly. In the back of my head I was grateful that Shizuo wasn't a girl, as hell as I would know what to do then. Although I didn't jerk my self, as I considered this a vulgar thing that was beneath me, I still did it once or twice and I knew what felt right. I was glad for it, because I just wanted to make him feel as good as possible. By doing it, I could imprint my self on his soul so hard that he could not breathe without me. It seamed fitting, as I was certain that I would die without him, as well.

 **Shizuo**

His hand curled around me. I could fell shaky fingers tasting me in a way that made me even harder. _God, I wanted him so much_... I just wanted to touch places that were deep inside him, both on his body and on his soul; to imprint my fingerprints on him, make him mine, completely and utterly, only mine. To this day I don't remember how Izaya's clothes managed to leave his body into a pile near us. He was naked from the waist down and I had him pined to the wall with his face away from me.

I am ashamed to note all the perverted things that I wanted to do to him, all the crazy, insane, horrible, dirty, abnormal things that I desired to execute upon him, just to hear him scream my name, to acknowledge that he is mine, just as much as I am his. I knelled on the ground with my face just few inches from his bare ass. With my hands I parted it and - oh my God, how I licked him there... Something in me entirely broke, and only the movement of my tongue against his flash was what mattered. It was as I was the hungriest man who ever lived, and Izaya was my only food.

His taste was something that I didn't ever want to forget. The same as his smell, it was intoxicating, it made me drunk, and left me wanting more. Then, I started to put my fingers inside him, to open him up in order to taste him better. One finger, at first just to make him loose, as his body was so tight that I thought that I could never fit in there. Then, I put another one inside and tried to move a little. God only knows that even thought I hurt him many times before I would rather cut my own arm than him to feel pain because of me in this situation.

I licked him more, between my fingers. Somehow, I managed to make a place for my tongue to enter him as well. Then I spit at him there, and licked more. His moans were so loud. _Were they so loud a moment before?_ I honestly, couldn't remember, as it was the sound that I was sure to remember always. It was the hottest thing that I have ever heard and I just wanted more; only to hear that sound non-stop.

I put one of my hands around him and reached for his dick. It was hard as a rock, and very wet at the tip. Next thing I know, I turned him around and started to suck him as my life was depending on it. The moans grow even louder. _Shit, someone is going to hear us_... we were in the ally, but still it was located in the busiest town in the world. Then, the desire made me think even more irrationally, _what if someone does see us_... It wouldn't matter, I still wouldn't stop, and the world would find out that Izaya was mine. What a disturbing thought I was thinking. Yet, it made me even more hard, hard as humanly possible. I just sucked Izaya's dick even more strongly while still having my fingers up in his ass.

\- God, Shizu-chan, I am going to... please... I don't want it to end yet... More, I need you more...- Izaya's voice was laced with desire, hot as a flame. It managed to cause that electrifying feeling go thru me once again. It was like million tiny orgasms all over my body, exploding deep inside my chest.

I lifted him up in my arms with his legs around me. His arms instantly found its way in my hair and his lips were on mine once again. For a second, we stood still. I looked in his eyes; the red that I so much hated melted me as only a fire could. What I saw in them was the most beautiful thing, and I forgot all the reasoning behind my hatred for him. It was like the hate was something that I never felt towards this person, because, how could I hate something this beautiful, something that makes me alive?!

 **Chapter 5**

 **Izaya**

I felt his dick on my entrance. _God, he was going to put it in_... I recognized this moment as a no-turning point, as if that line was not crossed with the first touch of our lips. I wanted him, and I wanted him badly. Pain, hurt, blood, those things were all irrelevant for me. I just wanted to feel him inside me; the deeper, the better. I wanted to become one with him so the boarders between us could be deleted.

Fire; like blazing knife something started to pierce thru me; hot and never-ending. He started to push inside. I could fell his heartbeat in me. It was so hot all over my body and I could feel Shizuo's skin inside me, around me, near me. In that second all that existed was Shizuo. _Is this how God truly feels, being one with his world? Is it the same felling that I feel when he touches me where no one ever could? God, Shizuo, I wanted to became your God, and how did I not understand that you were mine all along? Not that I even mind. For you, I would give anything: my life, my body, my heart, my hopes, my dreams, my soul, my everything... Cause, in the end, I truly am nothing without you._

 **Shizuo**

Izays's heat was intoxicating. His tightness made my dick twitch with want. I could be buried deep inside him for all eternity and food, water, and air wouldn't even matter to me. I could have come within the first thrust if not for the selfish desire to make him mine for as long as I could. I was inside him all the way now. I started to move, led by instincts and primal urges that were so savage that I became afraid that I could never stop.

-Harder, Shizu-chan, I want to fell you more...- His voice hypnotized me into obeying without any further thought. –Come on, Shizu-chan, give it to me harder; push your dick inside me more...- The words he spoke were only stopped by moans, as I fucked him with all of mine being. I opened up mine soul and give it to him with every thrust. _God Izaya, you want more, I would give you everything that I own._

-Ahh, ahhh, aaaaah... His moans became mine world, his skin my sky, and his eyes my Sun. I looked at his face, my glance meeting his and it was like I was taking a look inside of his soul, in what Izaya is. It was clear to me then and there, that he has always been the most important person to me; the one that defined me, made me who I am; **my God**.

I started to push inside him faster, and I felt the world becoming smaller, heard ringing inside my ears, started to see white all around this red that became my light. The bubble inside me started to grow, more and more heavy, almost ready to explode. And with one last thrust, I filled his insides with my essence. I felt him contracting against me. He came too, even without me even touching his dick. The ringing increased but the image of red stayed in front me.

-Shizu-chan... I still hate you, just more strongly...- It was Izaya's voice again. But I understood. For someone who claims to love the whole human race, but instead hates everything human, hate could not be anything but the purest of love; the same one as I feel for him.


End file.
